What What

Dear Rachel,

Five years ago on this day you requested via Facebook that this blog be graced with one final post. You wish is this anonymous blogger's command.

xoxo


Unfortunately, there's not much cyber-drama to report. E, M, and L are all chillin' like villians. They're all living glamourous lives in fancy houses hanging out with fancy people doing fancy things. M's parties are the talk of the town. E continues being too cool for her own good and L continues the role as tortured artist. They are all living the dream.

Rihanna isn't the one appearing with bruises, L. was recently seen with a large bruise on her left thigh. A close friend reports M. took L. out for a night on the town and while they were at the Rouge L. got into a fight after one Jaggerbomb too many. No report on if M. or a stranger was the offender. L. declined comment.

L has recently been seen gulping down cold medicine by the bottle. is she sick? insiders say no. ever since she made an appearance on the hip/hop/rap scene last year she's been getting crazy ideas maybe her ex co-worker Lil Wayne rubbed off a little too much on her. hopefully she won't start getting face tattoos but if she does i bet it will be the next big thing once l. does something everyone from Taylor swift to Madonna follows suite. oh, the tragic glories of being in the public eye.

E. was seen getting fashion advice and rummaging through M's closet for the perfect dress to wear on valentine's night. knowing her it's bound to be a busy night. M's closet beats all of the the trendiest boutiques and admittance is rare. the last dress she loaned out the girl got engaged in. is it magic? or just great style sense? it's too soon to know.

Allie, M's bestie has been seen acting very curious. M has her on lockdown until she cools down. perhaps someone leaked drugs into the apartment a very bad idea knowing the socials' ground rules. give A drugs and you will never be seen on the upper west side again.

pictures have surfaced of T's wear abouts. he's pictured somewhere in south america. hmmm isn't south america known for good cocaine? more to come soon.

we'll keep you posted.
xoxo

It's official. L. is off the wagon. They get rid of one (T.) and another comes along... What a fitting time for M. and E. to leave her alone for the weekend. Aren't you excited to see how far down the hole she'll go!? Maybe she'll marry someone with a little help from Patron.

It has been a while on The Ham, for sure. Let's review person by person.

E.

If you think a marathon is hardcore, you haven't hung out with E. recently. She has been pulling double and sometimes triple marathons where she runs one marathon after the other. She also celebrated the holiday season by getting so many ear piercing her ears are beginning to look completely metal. Most of her break was spent pining after her new heartthrob Cullen. Unfortunately, it seems his heart may lie elsewhere. But of course, that's how it started with the Jonas brother. And he dumped the other girl, so history will probably repeat itself once again. When E. wasn't pining after Cullen, she was working as her boyfriend's mattress. Her father flew in a semi-truck's worth shipment of Wassail and she celebrated the season in style.

M.

It was also a busy break for M. who was doing double duty in her southern home as well as being a social up north. She and her bestie Allie partied every night and usually into the day as well. She bought and tested every single different sort of beer in existence and is in the works with a book deal. M. was also busy having her one-of-a-kind Betsy Johnson dress designed for this past week's Festivus event. Of course, M. planned the party and it definitely was an event not to be missed. It brought some people closer and tore some people apart, the way every good party should. And, thanks to M. there never was a single awkward moment. A true success.

L.

For L., break was spent hanging out with Titus. Somehow though, they were never seen so there isn't much word on Titus. My associate is looking into his background. I heard from a close insider that she was very broken up when they had to separate for their jobs. L. tried to speak to T., but transmission is still broken. She was also seen with red liquid splattered all over her hands. Officials claim it was ink, but others speculate a more sinister liquid. L.'s first backpack design was launched and an immediate success. At the after party all L. would talk about was R. and point at the ice sculpture bust made of R. I heard the champagne fountain was pretty nice too. M. organized the party which is synonymous for it being a success.

time has passed and things have changed.  here are the big updates.

the ham cast were texting with t. when he wanted to borrow one of their hot little sports cars to do who knows what with.  the ham refused and offered other alternatives... like the bus.  just because the ham can afford putting one of their sports cars in the hands of a drug and gambling addict doesn't mean they will. besides, he could sell it for smack on the street.  instead of accepting their advice and using it to help him problem solve, he decided to start a text fight. one thing led to another and t. showed up at the loft's parking lot asking for e. to bring his stuff to him because  he didn't want to show his face in the apartment. e. refused and instead left it outside their door for him to pick up on his own accord.  he texted "end transmission" and hasn't been heard of since.  and so a long standing relationship with the ham ended over a text. i guess one day you're in and the next day you're out.  sorry t., but you are out. and it was on your own accord.

m. has a hot new rock star boyfriend causing her to constantly be off at band gigs and staying out at bars for days on end.  l. and e. joke that when m. actually does come around, they barely recognize her.  what effect will this new guy have on the ham cast?  could it be you get rid of one troublemaker and get another?

e.'s boyfriend has challenged her other boyfriend z.e. to a wrestling competition and whoever wins gets e. he seems to believe that all e. cares about are feats of strength. i'm betting my money on the boyfriend winning. also, e. was seen in disneyland's new giant maze with miley cyrus.  apparently they're best friends now. while there, taylor swift came storming after them and started trying to fight e.  she wouldn't say why, but i have a feeling that e. has a new boy in the mix and i think he's a jonas.   

friends have been lost and guys have been found.  it's no wonder there aren't as many updates, it's hard to keep up with such crazy lifestyles.  there will be another update after the holidays for sure. if you're good, maybe santa will be kind and bless you with a post before the new year.  

xoxo and merry holidays!

dear kind rachel girl,

i will work on setting up a "real" link. for some reason the link i gave isn't working... i guess i'm not as computer savvy as i thought.

sorry for the sporadic posts, daddy dearest decided to have his favorite little girl join the real world and get a job. yeah, that's right, he cut me off. but don't worry, i'm not bitter at all. in between burger flipping, it's amazing i manage to get any news about the ham cast at all. (if you would like to donate to my cause, just click on the link at the bottom of the post. i assure you once i have enough money from your donations i will be back and better than ever. until then, sporadic posts are all you get.)

as of today, m. and e. ditched l. at the loft with nothing but a bottle of jamaican rum. and they tell l. they aren't enablers. m. headed south to celebrate her "21st" birthday with a small get together, a simple parade through most of tacoma. (m. didn't want anything too big for her birthday this year.) and e. went home to her boyfriend to try and make up the fact that she had put her other boyfriend's picture up on her computer desktop instead of him. good luck!

this past few weeks m. has been prepping for her birthday, arranging for all the gatherings everyone expects her to host. some days are hard when you're a socialite. and they're even harder with at week's worth of hang-overs. e. has been busy getting to know chemistryboy-- perhaps a little too well. and l. has been busy as well working on two commissioned pieces of her art. maybe she won't have to live in e.'s attic after all! but e., m. and l. don't spend all their time apart, they have also been busy working with Cupcake, P.I. on a mysterious ice truck killer and the possibility of a serial killer who's good. if there's anyone who can solve that case, i'd bet my money (if i had any) on the ham cast and detective cupcake.

it's a busy life for the ham, but i'll do my best to report from my end. if you'd like to improve the quality of the information, just follow the link below. after all, if there's any thing that the internet has taught us, it's that there's no such thing as free information.

xoxo.

www.savetheham.org/cashmoneyonly

m., e. and l. have a new roommate, a. so far, besides the usually move-in disasters of who puts their blow dryer where and calling dibs on cute neighbor guys, everything seems to have settled down. for now, a. is bunking with m. which may cause problems later on since m. has been having a different guy over every night. e.'s been having pool "lessons" with her new guy. and l. has been poetically inspired in her art drawing the "re-genesis of trees" while simultaneously making eyes at artboy and mathboy. but who knows where that will lead. 

earlier this week, the coffee table was mysteriously broken in the night. no word on if it was due to m.'s drunken escapades or the fact that e. had her boyfriend up. both claim it was a coincidence, so only the coffee table knows what really happened.

e.'s boyfriend supposedly isn't talking to her because he "left his phone at his apartment."

t.'s gambling problem is worse than ever, choosing to go to canada and gamble more instead of helping his friends in need. and on top of that, he either has a new girlfriend or has found a new card game.

so life is pretty hectic here on the ham and only gets more as today progresses since e.'s long lost cousin is planning on coming into town.

of course, you only need to come here to stay posted.

xoxo.

m., e., and l. all have their noses stuck in their computers because they got a fancy new-fangled thing called the internet. let's all hope they come up for air. before internet came along, m. busied herself with trying to arrange a date for l. and e. swam in her personal olympic sized pool. l. continues to draw scribbles. sometimes they resemble people. usually not.

also, earlier today, m. was startled by a burglar who stole all her belts and hair supplies who had gotten in through the doggie door. 

the cast of the ham has been enjoying their increasing fame as they attended a fair held just for them where they received lots of free stuff. they were one of the few people in the country to receive kosher water blessed by the greatest rabbi of all time, matisyahu. as well as pizza made by italians. then they totally partied it up with chilibeermac. but mostly things have been pretty lame around the ham because of lame things happening around them so it has been pretty lame.

season 2

season 2 has begun with l.'s arrival to the loft on sunday with her move-in crew hauling all of her stuff behind her. despite excitement l. had to finally have some time alone, e. decided to move in earlier than expected causing l. to have an artist fit where she holed herself up in the book nook grumbling to herself and drawing big circle scribbles over and over for the rest of the night. e. spent the day reacquainting herself with her rubik's cube. m. showed up to the party late after her latest sugar daddy decided to get rid of her sleek black sport car (we can't name brands or we'll be sued..... again) so that she could "actually get a feel for the real world." thanks to that "real world" experience she oh so desperately needed, her lovely new car (if you can call it that) decided that the drive to the city was a bit too much for her to handle and decided to crap out halfway through. thanks to a lovely, finely muscled local boy the car was able to make it here. that's m. for you. always trying to be fashionably late. besides m. being late and the lovely circle scribbles that are littered around the loft, things are off to a grand start.

xoxo.

this is a report to report that there is not anything to report.

let the countdown begin! season 2 of the ham will be premiering in about a month! until then, i'm sure you're enjoying all the reruns of last season's drama and you'll be lucky enough to be treated to a summer special to introduce you all to the ham's new loft- the tempest coming next week. 

xoxo.

a short summer update from sources close to the cast of the ham.

e. and her boyfriend survived paradise with each other, believe it or not.

m. and l. have been experimenting with baked goods with the help of t. perhaps for the opening of their newest business endeavor--a bakery?

l. is laying low passed out on pain killers from a recent facial reconstruction. let's hope this one will heal better than her last one....

t. moved and hasn't been seen or heard of since.

and finally,

e. has kicked everyone out of h5cs to work on a "chemistry project." (it's probably best if we don't know all the details of this one so that we don't have to lie when it inevitably goes to court.)

stay cool through the summer and i'll keep you updated as news filters in,

xoxo.

thursdays are for: dinner dates and finding out t. has friends besides m., e. and l.! 

at least, he has a friend. sources are trying to figure out if it's actually a stranger t. payed to pretend to be his friend. either way, aren't they cute?? they even sort of match.

t. is headed up to canada for the night with his "friend," supposedly to gamble (another addiction),but from his history, it's likely he's headed up there to score some quality drugs. not even m.'s good friend dr. phil could help and now he's headed up to our northern friend to get stuff "you can't even find here!"

e. and l. are headed for a day trip to china to promote the release of the ham followed by a quiet chinese lunch. then e. will be headed to a 253 party for a birthday celebration. m. plans to study hard for the end of the school year by also heading south to the big city for an alcolbration.

don't say the ham never left with a bang. the pressure's building, and when it blows, it's sure to be explosive. let's just hope someone will be there to pick up the pieces.

signing off,

xoxo

e. went longboarding on the boyfriend's longboard, fell off and got herpes. ever since, it's been quite an uphill battle as she and the rest of the ham have had to deal with her 'roid-rage. consequently, they've been laying low.

despite that, there are a few things to report.

facial hair has become a popular sight on set as m. and l. prepare for some sort of event. is it l.'s new artistic project, or just a theme party? only time will tell.

l. is focusing on the art of not making art in an attempt to receive more credibility as an artist.

m. may have a budding romance. and it turns out that her friendship comes at a high cost.

season 1 of the ham is coming to a close, with the season finale following the departure of the cast with e. heading to hawaii with a boyfriend, the question is: which one? and l. and m. heading home. t. appears to be stalking e. and is following her to hawaii. luckily, they'll be on different islands.

season 2 will open with m., e. and l. moving into their new penthouse in the valley. new place, new excitement, new drama.

the ham has been on a short hiatus recently, attempting to recover from recent events. a gunman was spotted earlier this month outside m. and e.'s apartment, causing obvious concern. the violent actions of the man flailing his weapon about and then taking a girl hostage before police negotiators were able to step in and talk him down was a tumultuous experience for the ham. the stress of the event has worn everyone down, causing t. and l. to get into a food fight and giving e. an extremely mysterious skin anomaly. doctors are concerned someone may be trying to hurt or even kill her. supernaturally! police reports later stated that the gunman was a huge fan of the ham and just wanted to get their attention to show to them how much he loved the show. obviously it didn't go as planned. dear readers, waving a weapon about is not the way to get the ham's attention. i know we all love them, but seriously, show them that in a classy way. classy appreciation is always appreciated. hostages, for some reason, are not. the ham made it through the experience with the gunman, hopefully they'll be able to manage through e.'s strange illness.

the ham is making new friendships, and some are closer than others. 

e. has been getting close with her volleyball teammate jazmine. finally a friend of the same sex! and she and cute math boy have also been pretty talkative lately. m. has been spending so much of her time with philip, we've practically forgotten what her face looks like. and not to be out done, l. appears to be locking lips with warren piece. ah, new friends. but i wouldn't get too attached to them, after all, none of it is facebook official yet. and if it's not on facebook, it's not official.

xoxo.

all's quiet on the home front, a certain sign of a storm brewing....